


The Doctor, The Archaeologist, The Cock

by your_bespoke_psychopath



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, it's pure crack I am serious
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-09
Updated: 2013-05-09
Packaged: 2017-12-10 22:17:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/790810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/your_bespoke_psychopath/pseuds/your_bespoke_psychopath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>‘Sweetie, when it comes to stroking cocks, there’s another one I prefer to pet,’ River’s lips curl into a sinful smirk. ‘And I am pretty sure you wouldn’t like me to stop petting that one, would you?’</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Doctor, The Archaeologist, The Cock

**Author's Note:**

  * For [agelessdaughter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/agelessdaughter/gifts).



> It's Eris fault. She egged me on.  
> I also blame Graham who became A Real Thing And A Proper Chicken That Is No Longer Just My Imagination.

Sneaky. He has to be sneaky and graceful. Sneaky, graceful and sly. Calm like a sky on a clear and windless day, quiet as a mouse. He can do it. And he will do it - he only has to go through the room, pass the console and then turn right and that’s it. River won’t notice a thing. And when he goes to their room, it’ll be too late for her to react and she’ll simply have to agree, right? Right. So. Here he goes. Cool and sneaky.

‘Sweetie?’ River’s voice rings in his ear, intrigued and suggesting that she is very alert. Very Not Good. ‘Why are you walking hunched like this?’

Fine. Let’s keep cool. Let’s distract her. He’s the master of distraction.

‘Oh hello, River! You’re here?’ Brilliant. No one can beat him when it comes to being cunning.

‘Yes, I am here, Doctor. For at least five hours. I even was fighting along you in that space henhouse, you know,’ her voice is cool and he can sense that her interest has peaked. Okay, so maybe he is not the master of distraction.

‘Oh right. That was crazy, eh?’ He tries to cover up his failure while walking backwards past her. There’s about 10 meters between him and the corridor: he can make it. Only a few more steps. It’s time for part two of distraction. ‘Crazy chickens! Crazy chicks even! Ha, get it, River? Crazy chicks, because they were female chickens!’

‘Honey,’ River says sweetly, but he knows that tone: this tone means ‘You Better Stop This Right Now Or So Help Me’. He stops his awkward backwards walk and gulps nervously. This is not going as he planned. ‘Please, tell me, what do you have in your coat’s pocket?’

Bugger.

‘My coat’s pocket?’ he stutters. ‘Nothing! There’s nothing there! Well, nothing that isn’t always there, of course. A torch, a hammer, my sonic, some... yes, some jammie dodgers... And that’s all that is there! Trust me!’

‘I meant the other pocket, Doctor,’ River is definitely not amused now, he can see it: her eyebrows are drawn together and there’s a small wrinkle between them. And her hair looks a bit more frizzy than it is usually, but it may be just the humidity. ‘The pocket that you’ve been trying to keep shut since the moment we entered the TARDIS. What is in there?’

‘I have stuff there. Stuff. Stuffy-stuff! Look!’ He makes a show of checking his pocket and taking out all the things that are there. ‘A TARDIS piloting manual: it’s useless, really, why does it keep appearing everywhere? Oh, and look, it’s a stone from K’hlisuria! A lovely planet, really rich in rocks. And... What are you doing here?!’

‘You’ is directed at a fluffy chicken he currently has in his hand. The chicken he hid in his pocket and planned on smuggling on the ship, without River finding out. This plan did not work out as he wanted it to. So it’s time for plan B: feigning surprise. He is great at feigning surprise.

‘Look, River! That chicken must have... crawled into my pocket when we weren’t looking! Look at it! It’s so tiny! We cannot leave him now!’ he pushes the chicken under River’s nose. She will surely love him, won’t she?

‘Oh, it crawled into your pocket?’ River raised her eyebrow and looks at him and the chicken with distrust. ‘You’re sure? Because I am fairly sure that you put it in your pocket, hoping that I won’t notice and that you planned on getting it on the ship.’

How does she know that? Does the hair give her some super power?

‘What?’ he exclaims. ‘No, I would never do that! He-he, he just hopped into my pocket, I swear!’

‘If you say so, Doctor,’ River’s voice is calm and he knows that it cannot mean anything good. ‘Now, please, do dispose of... this thing somewhere. But not somewhere on the TARDIS. Do it on his planet, please.’

‘What?! You want me to do what?’

‘Leave him on his planet. I just landed us there. Off you go, leave him outside.’

‘I won’t do that!’ She cannot ask him to do something like that! The chicken is his friend! He trusts him.

‘You are not keeping it,’ River tone is steely and he’s sure that is a look could kill, both he and the chicken would be already 6 feet under.

‘I so am! Graham stays with us!’

‘Graham?’

‘Yes, well, I named him. Graham is a cool name! He looks like Graham!’ he puts Graham near River’s face. ‘Look how cute he is, River!’

‘Doctor,’ she sighs patiently. ‘How do you even know it’s a boy?’

‘I know these things, River.’ What a stupid question. He knows that Graham is a boy! It’s obvious. Besides, he is a time lord. He knows all the mysteries of the universe, so of course he can distinguish between genders, right?

‘Just like you knew the last time, when you picked up the stray puppy?’ River says with a mocking smirk on her face. ‘You called it Bella and put a pink ribbon on its neck and insisted that it’s a girl even when it started humping everyone’s legs. Remember that one?’

Okay. Okay. So he made a mistake once.

‘That was different!’ he exclaims. ‘Bella cheated! Graham is trustworthy. Besides,’ he preens a little, ‘he told me he’s a boy.’

‘He told you?’ If disbelief had a form, it’d look like River Song.

‘Yes, he told me! I speak chicken!’

River lets out another long suffering and patient sigh.

‘Sweetie, you don’t speak anything. If anything, right now, you are speaking moron.’

‘Now, River, this is very rude! That is not an example you should be giving Graham!’

‘Doctor,’ she starts again, voice strained. ‘It’s been a long day. We spent a few hours in a space henhouse, fighting with all these mutated and possessed chickens. I understand that it could have messed with your head – at least mess with it more than it’s already messed with. But – no, listen to me – you are not keeping this chicken.’

‘But River!’

‘No! You can barely take care of yourself! Your companions have to check if your shoelaces are tied! And TARDIS is no place for any kind of an animal. What is that chicken wanders inside the console? The rotor would squish it to death. Do you have any idea how difficult it would be to clean all the feathers and blood?’

‘TARDIS would never do something like that!’ he gasps outraged. ‘I am sure she’ll love Graham and take care of him, right love?’

His ships lets out a displeased grunt. Great. Both his ship _and_ wife are against him. Good that they’re not his bosses. He can do what he wants.

‘I am not talking about TARDIS injuring that chicken. I am talking about you, you idiot,’ River hisses impatiently. ‘You push all the wrong buttons and pull all the wrong levers all the time. One wrong move and your chicken could end up as a bloody pulp. Besides,’ she eyes him curiously, ‘why would you even need a chicken here? You do have a companion at the moment, right? And forgive me, but chickens aren’t known for their intellectual or conversational values.’

‘Well...,’ okay, he hasn’t thought that one out. ‘They are cool! And fluffy! And you could always stroke and pet him!’

‘Sweetie, when it comes to stroking cocks, there’s another one I prefer to pet,’ River’s lips curl into a sinful smirk. ‘And I am pretty sure you wouldn’t like me to stop petting that one, would you?’

‘River!’ he squeaks out, flustered and feeling the burning heat on his cheeks. ‘You cannot say things like that! Graham is still young! He-he-he might get the wrong impression when you say things like that!’

‘It is just a chicken!’

‘No! It is Graham!’

River is glaring at him and Graham, who is now carefully walking on the console, pecking various buttons and levers.

‘Fine,’ she finally says. ‘Keep the chicken. Just keep him away from me. And you clean all the mess it makes.’

He jumps and envelopes River in a hug.

‘You are the best wife ever,’ she says between kisses pressed to her cheeks. ‘And I know Graham and you will get on splendidly! You’ll love each other. And Graham won’t make any mess! He’s a responsible little chicken, right Graham?’

‘... Your chicken just pooped on the console.’

_Oh._

 

___

‘Doctor, why is our bathroom covered in blue hair dye?’

‘It’s a surprise!’

‘A mess in the bathroom is a surprise?’

‘Well, no, it’s a result of the surprise! Look!’

‘...’

‘River?’

‘Did you really dye the chicken blue?’

‘TARDIS blue! And yes! He asked me to!’

‘He asked you to dye his feathers blue?’

‘Yes! He said it looks dapper! And he is a rebel, so he needs a rebel look! River, why are you laughing?’

‘You know, you dying this cock blue, gives a whole new meaning to ‘blue balls’’.

‘River!!’

 

___

‘Doctor! That bloody chicken tried to make a nest in my hair! _Again_.’

‘Graham! That is really not polite. Well, okay, but... Yeah. I know, but that does not mean you can do that!’

‘Doctor. What are you doing?’

‘I am talking with him. He says that your hair looks a lot like his first nest. It’s an instinct, really. You cannot stop it, River.’

‘Oh, I can stop it, trust me.’

‘What? No, River, what are you doing with this gun? River, no!’

 

___

‘River, have you seen Graham? I can’t find him anywhere and I thought that maybe- What are you doing?’

‘I am educating him.’

‘You’re showing him pictures from KFC!’

‘I am showing him what will happen to him if he tries to sleep in my hair again, that’s all.’

‘That’s not a solution! And don’t worry Graham, she’s only joking.’

‘I am not.’

 

___

‘Doctor, come to bed. It’s late.’

‘Yes, yes, I’m coming!’

‘I sure hope it’ll happen tonight, sweetie.’

‘Here we are!’

‘... Doctor. What did I tell you about the chicken? We have a rule.’

‘Yeah, but-‘

‘The _’No chicken in the bedroom’_ rule.’

‘Yes, but you see, Graham looked so scared and lonely that I thought he might sleep with us.’

‘He cannot. He made himself a nest from my shirt, so he has a place to sleep.’

‘But he’s so tiny! You won’t even notice him!’

‘Doctor. The. Chicken. Is. Not. Sleeping. With. Us.’

‘River! Look at his tiny little face! He’s lonely! And sad! And he’ll be quiet. He’ll just sleep with us, that’s all.’

‘Fine,-‘

‘Thank you! See Graham? I told you she’ll agree!’

‘But you know we are not having sex as long as he is in this room. Or anywhere near this room.’

‘...’

‘I mean it.’

‘... Okay, Graham, sorry, but you have to go. You have your own nest and it’s very comfortable. Shoo, off you go, buddy! And River, you stop smirking. It doesn’t look good on you.’

‘Everything looks good on me, sweetie.’

‘You know what looks best on you?’

‘I think I’m about to find out.’

___

The TARDIS is quiet, quite eerily so. And he cannot find Graham anywhere. The fact that River is also nowhere to be found doesn’t calm him in the slightest. They still don’t get along, no matter how much he tries.

Like yesterday: everyone was going smoothly, they were going to the planet of chips, Graham was bouncing merrily on the console, River was tolerating him – which was a miracle in itself – and he thought that they may have started seeing eye to eye, but then Graham pecked River. And she did not like it, at all. She didn’t even listen when he tried to explained that Graham pecked her because he liked her. She did not believe him. In the end, both Graham and River ended up being offended at each other _and_ at him. They both curled up in little fluffy balls of anger, in the opposite corners of the console room. When he pointed out how similar they look – all frizzled and fluffy, with their hair and feathers sticking out in all the directions – River threw her shoe at him, and Graham pooped on the floor. Again.

So right now, he has every right to be concerned. He hasn’t seen any of them since breakfast. He checks all the rooms: the swimming pool, the library, the disco room, the car park – but they are not there. Horrific images flash through his head: River pecked to death. Graham turned into a chicken nugget. his feathers stuffed into a small pillow.

He hears the kitchen when he starts hearing muffled voice. It sounds like... River’s laugh? Who is she laughing with? Is she cackling over Graham’s dead body?

He runs to the kitchen. Maybe he still can stop her, maybe there’s still time to save Graham and-

The sight that greets him is something he would never expect. River is sitting by the table, her hand outstretched, various grains filling her hand. Graham is on the table and he’s gently eating from her hand. They look... friendly. He’s not sure if it’s true or if he’s seeing things, but it doesn’t matter: they are finally getting along!

‘Well, well, well,’ he says and they both jump a little. ‘Look at you! You’re properly friends now!’

‘He looked hungry,’ River starts, looking a bit embarrassed. ‘So I fed him. But he did not want to eat from the ground, only from my hand.’

‘Don’t worry, River. It’s okay to like him,’ he teases her.

‘I do not like him!’ she exclaims. ‘He is still the same annoying chicken he was before. Nothing changed. I just fed him, that’s all.’

Graham chooses this precise moment to climb up onto River’s hand, fluff up his feathers and fall asleep.

He cannot say who is more surprised: River or he. Judging by River’s face, she’s probably the more shocked one: her mouth is slightly open and she looks at Graham like she just saw him for the very first time. She lifts her second hand and gently – almost tentatively – pets Graham’s blue-dyed head. In his sleep, he leans slightly into her touch.

And he is absolutely not jealous of that – it’s just that Graham was his chicken, but he never fell asleep in his hand. And it’s kind of unfair, considering that he was the one who took care of him since the very beginning. But it seems that River charmed even the chicken.

Bless her.

 

___

Since then, Graham and River are almost inseparable. Graham follows her everywhere, running after her on his short legs. Sometimes, she puts him on her shoulder and he sits her, perched like an eagle. River shares his breakfast with him – crumbs from her toasts or her muesli and she lets him sit on her desk while she’s reading books or writing papers. She coos at him and pets him, and treats him like he’s her favourite thing on the TARDIS.

He is not jealous. At all.

Not in the slightest.

Graham is just a chicken.

And he is really glad that River and he finally are friends. That’s what he wanted from the beginning, right?

_Right._

 

___

‘Graham, we need to talk.’

‘...’

‘No, there’s nothing wrong, don’t worry. Everything’s fine! Even better than fine. It’s splendid.’

‘...’

‘Yes, well... Look, see, I am really glad you like River. Because you do like her, right?’

‘...’

‘Yeah, I know! She’s great, isn’t she? And I am really happy that you are friends, you know. You kind of had a rough start, didn’t you?’

‘...’

‘To be honest, the fault was on both sides. But that’s not what I want to talk about. See, I kind of... Uhm. Well. How do I say it... See, River is very nice. Sometimes, she’s too nice and people use it. People or chickens. And – now, wait, let me finish – I just want to say that sometimes you should think, before you agree to something she proposes you.’

‘...!’

‘Yes, I know it was cold and you were slightly freezing, but that still not a reason to hide in her... You know. In her, uhm, in her bosom! I mean, it’s not what a gentleman would do!’

‘...’

‘Yes, I know she put you there, but that it – she was just nice and caring! She’d do that to anyone.’

‘...’

‘I am not saying it just because I am jealous, Graham! I am just saying that it was not an inappropriate behaviour.’

‘...!’

‘What? What do you mean that she loves you more? Don’t be ridiculous! She is my wife, you know. It’s _my_ wife you’re talking about!’

‘...’

‘No Graham, she is not going to leave me for you. That is not going to happen. You are being delusional.’

‘!!!!’

‘What did you say?! You are so grounded, young man! Young chicken! Graham, come back here, we are not done talking!’

 

___

‘Doctor, have you seen Graham today? I cannot find him anywhere.’

‘Nope! Nope! I have not seen him anywhere! At all.’

‘Oh, okay then.’

‘I haven’t seen him at all! I swear.’

‘Okay, that’s fine Doctor. He probably wandered off, I bet he’s somewhere in the TARDIS.’

‘Ha, he sure is!’

‘Are you okay, Doctor? You look a bit... flustered?’

‘I am great, River! Splendid! Phenomenal! Amazing! Awesome!’

‘Oh-kay.’

 

(Meanwhile, 21st century, a backyard of a small house.

‘Did you hear that noise?’

‘Yeah, it’s like... I don’t know, it sounded like a car with its breaks on?’

‘Go out and check what it was?’

‘Why me?’

‘Because you’re younger.’

‘Four months. That does not count.’

‘Four months is better than zero months!’

‘Wow, you’re so deep. Almost as deep as-‘

‘Don’t you dare to even finish this sentence. Go out and check that noise.’

‘HEY, WHAT IS A BLUE CHICKEN DOING IN OUR BACKYARD?’)

___

‘Doctor, I am worried about Graham.’

‘Why?’

‘Because we haven’t seen him in the last few days?’

‘Maybe he decided to start an adventure of his own, eh? Time travelling chicken! That would be cool, wouldn’t it? Maybe it was time for him to fly the TARDIS.’

‘Doctor... Do you know something about it?’

‘No. Nope.’

‘You know, I think I just miss him.’

 

___

‘Look River who is here!’

‘... Why are you showing me this chicken?’

‘It’s Graham!’

‘No, it’s not.’

‘It it!’

‘No.’

‘Yes!! Look at him!!’

‘No, Doctor. It is not Graham.’

‘How do you know that?’

‘I can recognise the cock I used to pet.’

‘...’

 

___

‘River? I have to tell you something.’

‘Yes, sweetie?’

‘But promise you won’t be mad at me?’

‘I cannot promise that.’

‘At least promise that you won’t slap me.’

‘Oh-oh. Is it that serious?’

‘It might be?’

‘Fine. Okay. I promise that I will not slap you.’

‘Do you remember Graham?’

‘Of course I do! What about him?!’

‘Uhm, he did not start an adventure of his own.’

‘Pardon? What happened to him then?’

‘Imighthavelefthimonearth.’

‘What?’

‘I might have left him on Earth. 21st century? It looked like a nice house, they had a backyard. With swings! I am sure he’ll love the swings.’

‘And why did you do that?’

‘Imigvebejelus.’

‘What?’

‘I might have been jealous.’

‘Of a chicken?!’

‘Well, yes?’

‘... You’re an idiot.’

‘I know.’

‘But you’re my idiot.’

‘I know.’

‘Unfortunately.’

‘River!’


End file.
